Not Yet

Dorly, a friend and a gifted portrait artist, stopped with a double take and called out my name.

I braced myself for the inevitable questions that would come from someone who hadn’t seen me in a while.

But, she didn’t. Instead, she hugged my entire being. “You look fantastic. We’ve got to get this on film.”

“Soon but not yet,” I stammered. It wasn’t about hitting my goal weight and then I’d go for a photo shoot. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror.

“You don’t have to wait,” she said softly. It wasn’t a pushy sale – more of a caring question of Are you all right?

It had been almost a year since my surgery. I’d kept most of my emotions buried. The world wanted me to be happy about losing weight. I just wanted to feel something besides fear.

“How can you take a picture of a person I can’t even see?” I asked.

She paused and drew in a deep breath as I saw questions crinkle up on her forehead. Her response surprised me. “I can see you. The real you that has been there all along. She hasn’t changed.”

I confessed. “I don’t recognize myself. I’m not ready.”

She turned my own words on me. “You’ll be ready soon. Just think about what story you want to tell.”

I needed to find an ending to my current narrative so that a new story could unfold.

I tore through my closet – viciously tossing anything that didn’t fit me or make me feel good. After a stop at Goodwill, I went to Target for a few basics (yes, and new underwear).

A blank slate stared back at me and I felt it was the first deep breath I’d taken in a year. I stalked Dorly’s studio online. I gaped at her portfolio - angelic creatures she captured with her camera.

Then, I made an appointment to have my picture taken.